What’s Your Date-Zone?

25 May

World, we need to talk. Something is quite off and I believe I know percisely what it is. A ‘world-affairs-eureka-moment’ if you will. I will skip the extensive scientific research and methodology which got me to my forthcoming ground-breaking discovery; you just have to trust me on this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are separeted by date-zones. Yes, that’s right, just like we have different timezones, we also have different date-zones. Now you were not alive back when homeboy who said the world is flat got laughed at, nor perhaps when they put a man on the moon (It happened. they didn’t photoshop it, there was no photoshop back then, duh!) But you are here today, alive and witnessing all that is happening. This is your chance to subscribe to this ‘theory’ early on and become a pioneer of world-affairs theory (look for this major in a college near you soon.)

You see, we are all perfectly acquainted with the variability of time-zones across the world, even children understand it. Yet people seem to think we all live in the exact same date-zone even  though all evidence points to the contrary. What evidence? Allow me to elaborate: It is presumably 2011 worldwide*, yet a woman in Saudi Arabia is jailed by an unjust King because she operated a motor vehicle. Young men across the Arab World are reported missing and enduring M-rated (M for Medieval) torture chambers, even ordered to die because they disagreed with a dictator. There is no way it is 2011 in this region, while it is simultaneously 2011 in say, Canada. No way. Have you seen Gaddafi? He’s got 1600s written all over him.

This concept of date-zones is spanking new, albeit already rationally irrefutable. the only plausible adjustment is that perhaps 2011 is the average year taken from all the different date-zones of the world now. I will investigate this and let you know–where is Einstein when you need him right?

At this point, we can either adjust our calendars, or really prove we all live in 2011 by striving for acceptable universal human rights for all of us. Please don’t be the annoying guy at college lectures and insist that the concept of universality of human rights is ethnocentric, flawed, bla bla bla. No, you either let all women drive in 2011 or you change your calendar. Either way, something’s gotta give.

*Additional scientific proof that it is not 2011 worldwide: Rapture, FGM advocates, some people still use PC/IE, etc…

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2 Responses to “What’s Your Date-Zone?”

  1. Moez Ali May 25, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    Also, monkey people in the Amazon still sucking on each other’s fingers, looting in Abyei (Conan the Barbarian is probably the last person to ever loot), and donkey-drawn carriages in the middle of big cities, really?

    I subscribe to this theory. Well researched (or not)..

  2. Don Cox May 29, 2011 at 11:34 pm #

    I think it is now officially 1432 in Arabia, which seems about right.

    The average date around the planet is probably about 1850, if we reckon it is 2011 in Canada or New Zealand.

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