Another look into the History of Sudan: Used to be great, now mostly sh*t

History of Sudan: Mostly Sh*t

Funny & True

If you are under the age of 40 and do not have a mental disability, please do not undervalue being articulate. Enjoy this video, I certainly did:

“As if I’m saying don’t think I’m a nerd just cause I’ve like noticed this, ok. I have nothing personally invested in my opinions, I’m just like inviting you to join me on the bandwagon of my own uncertainty.” Brilliant!

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Overrated/Underrated in Sudan

Overrated:

1) Toyota Corolla: Sudanese and their White Corollas. I have two words for those of you who own a Corolla: WHY? and FADA7TONA!

2) Weddings: Alright Azza, Ma3azza, Nafisa, and Nibras, we need to talk. Please stop competing for the best wedding. How about compete to be the best wife and future Mom? I’d suggest not competing with other girls but that’s almost as radical as suggesting not using Fair and Lovely. While we’re at it, is it just me or does every Sudanese bride look the same on her wedding day?

3) Light Skinned people: Let’s not go there.

4) Rainy days: People pray, people rejoice, children pray, and the streets are moist. At the end of the day, everything goes yucky, and water everywhere turns to murky. Yes it’s supposed to rhyme. And thanks for noticing. PS I hate rain.

5) Ice Cream: No I don’t want to go out to eat Ice Cream. Why? Because I do not respect ice cream enough to get dressed up and get in a Corolla just to get some. I respect Ice Cream enough to eat it in Sandwich form while doing other activities. Yum Ice Cream Sandwiches.

6) Sudanese dancing: Listen, I’m not ‘Shatra’ and no I don’t want you to teach me that shoulder shake move you’re so proud of. The ‘induced seizure’ look isn’t really my thing. I’ve got news to all of you Sudanese party animals, you all look the same, which is to say, you all look like you are just standing there either clapping or snapping your fingers (read: snappin’ yo fingaz.)

Underrated:

1) The Sun: An Ode to the Sun

Ahhh the Sun.

How many civilizations have honored you and

how many people worship(ped) you

Yet in Sudan, everyone complains about you

And runs away… away from you.

Okay that’s not really an Ode but you get the point.

2) Nubian Language: It pains me to even discuss how this language is ignored and undervalued.

3) Mughtaribin (Diaspora): If only Sudan knew how to leverage it’s country’s highly educated diaspora with a lot of high net worth individuals. They need a major PR campaign to get those Sugar Daddies to invest in Sudan.

4) Southern Sudanese: Watch them get their own country and show us who’s boss.

5) Sun Block (SPF 1000+) In a climate like Sudan’s, and the lack of shadows from skyscrapers, you would at least think people might prioritize Sun Block? Maybe they think it is impossible for black people to get skin cancer? Maybe they have never heard of skin cancer? Because as we all know, cancer in Sudan only happens to people in awkward body parts. Scenario: Awataf ma jaha Saratan fil Sador*. (Editorial note, we all know Sudanese people have a much more embarrassing name for breasts.)

6) Hilomur: I wish they served this delicious drink at every house instead of Pepsi. If I’m going to be forced to drink something at each house I visit, I at least would like a caffeine-free option. [honorable mention to Karkade as an acceptable alternative]

What do you think is overrated or underrated in Sudan?

If only Omar Al-Bashir was this cool

Eid Is Cancelled This Year

First of all Ramadan Kareem to all of you that are fasting. I hope you enjoy this Ramadan because unfortunately that’s where the party ends this year since we’re probably going to have to cancel Eid. I mean, with all the commotion we Muslims have caused in the US due to our brazen and tacky idea to build a mosque in near Ground Zero. Seriously we’re shameless. I mean YEARS after 9/11 and we want to build an Islamic Center? Rude. Just totally tasteless.

This is why, not to add insult to injury, we must cancel Eid this year, since it might fall on sept 11th (no pun intended.) I mean it’s really too soon for Muslims to be happy on that day. I mean really have we no shame?

And for those of you Muslims who are born on Sept 11th, I suggest you stop being inconsiderate and change your birthday. We don’t want to see you celebrating on that day. Especially if you have a beard. Oh and if your name is Osama or Mohammed, just die of shame now and help us save face. You know what, why don’t you change your birthday to December 25th? That is an acceptable date to receive gifts.

Oh people of US and A. You are silly. And I am glad to be in a Muslim country during Ramadan for the first time in years!