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5 Ultimate Solutions That Could Have Saved Sudan

5 Jul

After much deliberation and game theory analysis of the political, cultural, and economic situation in Sudan, I have deemed the following five points to be the only possible (read: remaining) solutions to solve all Sudan’s problems and disputes. These five solutions, when used together, shall be regarded as the ultimate panacea for Sudan. Now these solutions might seem eccentric at first, but who are we kidding, was there ever a ‘realistic’ solution to problems in Sudan? Was it ever used? No? Okay then try this: (warning, severe logical fallacies and several made-up words ahead)

1- Borrowed President
Once upon a time the most powerful country in the world was headed (and eventually beheaded) by a ridiculously incompetent president by the name of George W. Bush. After 8 years of embarrassing foreign policies, two wars, and an economic meltdown, the US was fed up. As we all know, the United States is secretly run by a group of expert politicians with a sinister world domination agenda (i.e Illuminati, Jews, and/or Pinky & the Brain) This secret group realized that if citizens see one more president with any resemblance to George Bush, the population will migrate back to Europe and Africa and call it a day. Sensibly, the furthest thing from a George Bush was a black president. Oprah was busy eating, and Jay-Z had better things to do so long story short, the US borrowed a black guy from Africa, gave him a fake McLovin’ Hawaii birth certificate, et voila! Enter the most inspiring president in United States history. And the US lived happily ever after, or at least better than before.
Moral of the story: We should’ve borrowed Mandela.

2- Gentrification
You can’t say the term gentrification these days without starting an intellectual riot with ‘Brooklyn’ and ‘Chicago’ being brought up a thousand times per minute. Whatever side you take in regards to the issue of gentrification, please consider that when dealing with North and South Sudan, nothing has worked at all for over twenty years. The root of the problem is, well, lots of roots, but at least one of those roots is the lack of contact and mixing between North and South Sudanese. Most North Sudanese, myself included, have never been to South Sudan. Most Sudanese can’t even name all states in Sudan. This is an enormous cultural problem that we don’t want to address and we want to jump right into the solution. It’s like insisting a 20 year that has never been educated should be in college and refusing to put him through elementary education first. Similarly, I think unity would not have been realistic had North and South Sudanese cohabitated in their own country. The least we, or our government, could have done was to promote tourism within our own country. Property prices are ever rising in Sudan, what if we could have promoted living in the South? What if the upper echelon of Sudanese society had summer homes in South Sudan and promoted tourism there?
Moral of the story: The country that lives together, stays together.

3- Arab Rehab
Slowly but surely, I can sense the Sudanese population weaning itself off the addiction to ‘Arabness.’ Not only has the Arab vs. African become tiresome and trite, but it has also become irrelevant. I am hearing more and more people denounce such identity definition in lieu of focusing on defining and epitomizing a ‘Sudanese’ identity. This is especially relevant post-secession as we will at least have a more unified intra-Northern culture (this is relative to the vast differences of the larger Sudan of yesteryear.) The further we move away from the confusion of whether or not we are Arab, the closer we become with ourselves simply as…Sudanese. This rehab, had it been done 20-some years ago, might have been an anchoring point in support of unity. Too little too late now!
Moral of the story: Our inferiority complex inferiorized ourselves.

I truly believe that Sudan had no shot at staying united so long as the segregation in marriage of North and South citizens remained socially acceptable by both sides. I am not sure how it is for Southern Sudanese, but as a Northern, I was told from a young age that marriage between Northern and Southern Sudanese is a social taboo. The mere mention of such a thing is near blasphemous. Forget marrying a full-blooded Southern Sudanese, marrying a Northern Sudanese with any Southern roots or Southern ‘blood’ is even considered unfathomable, especially amongst ‘big families’ in Sudan. I can’t continue discussing this point, it makes me sick to my stomach, onto the next one…
Moral of the story: Love em or leave em (literally)

5- Cuisine Change
There is no way Sudan can move forward (or move at all) given the current intake of Sudanese cuisine which consists of pure carbohydrates. I’ve never heard someone say after devouring a plate of kesra bilmula7: “now I feel fully energized to make positive changes.” The only change you can think of after eating Sudanese food is to change from a vertical to a horizontal position immediately. I am convinced that our cuisine, a product of a conspiracy theory by the Brits to put us through reverse evolution, is what is holding us back, and ultimately caused us to lose the South. Alternatively, I recommend that we inject our food with nootropics, and mandate daily Red Bull drips for all citizens of working and voting age.
Moral of the story: I just finished a plate of foul biljibna and lost the ability to conclude this post…

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What’s Your Date-Zone?

25 May

World, we need to talk. Something is quite off and I believe I know percisely what it is. A ‘world-affairs-eureka-moment’ if you will. I will skip the extensive scientific research and methodology which got me to my forthcoming ground-breaking discovery; you just have to trust me on this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are separeted by date-zones. Yes, that’s right, just like we have different timezones, we also have different date-zones. Now you were not alive back when homeboy who said the world is flat got laughed at, nor perhaps when they put a man on the moon (It happened. they didn’t photoshop it, there was no photoshop back then, duh!) But you are here today, alive and witnessing all that is happening. This is your chance to subscribe to this ‘theory’ early on and become a pioneer of world-affairs theory (look for this major in a college near you soon.)

You see, we are all perfectly acquainted with the variability of time-zones across the world, even children understand it. Yet people seem to think we all live in the exact same date-zone even  though all evidence points to the contrary. What evidence? Allow me to elaborate: It is presumably 2011 worldwide*, yet a woman in Saudi Arabia is jailed by an unjust King because she operated a motor vehicle. Young men across the Arab World are reported missing and enduring M-rated (M for Medieval) torture chambers, even ordered to die because they disagreed with a dictator. There is no way it is 2011 in this region, while it is simultaneously 2011 in say, Canada. No way. Have you seen Gaddafi? He’s got 1600s written all over him.

This concept of date-zones is spanking new, albeit already rationally irrefutable. the only plausible adjustment is that perhaps 2011 is the average year taken from all the different date-zones of the world now. I will investigate this and let you know–where is Einstein when you need him right?

At this point, we can either adjust our calendars, or really prove we all live in 2011 by striving for acceptable universal human rights for all of us. Please don’t be the annoying guy at college lectures and insist that the concept of universality of human rights is ethnocentric, flawed, bla bla bla. No, you either let all women drive in 2011 or you change your calendar. Either way, something’s gotta give.

*Additional scientific proof that it is not 2011 worldwide: Rapture, FGM advocates, some people still use PC/IE, etc…

Eid Is Cancelled This Year

18 Aug

First of all Ramadan Kareem to all of you that are fasting. I hope you enjoy this Ramadan because unfortunately that’s where the party ends this year since we’re probably going to have to cancel Eid. I mean, with all the commotion we Muslims have caused in the US due to our brazen and tacky idea to build a mosque in near Ground Zero. Seriously we’re shameless. I mean YEARS after 9/11 and we want to build an Islamic Center? Rude. Just totally tasteless.

This is why, not to add insult to injury, we must cancel Eid this year, since it might fall on sept 11th (no pun intended.) I mean it’s really too soon for Muslims to be happy on that day. I mean really have we no shame?

And for those of you Muslims who are born on Sept 11th, I suggest you stop being inconsiderate and change your birthday. We don’t want to see you celebrating on that day. Especially if you have a beard. Oh and if your name is Osama or Mohammed, just die of shame now and help us save face. You know what, why don’t you change your birthday to December 25th? That is an acceptable date to receive gifts.

Oh people of US and A. You are silly. And I am glad to be in a Muslim country during Ramadan for the first time in years!

As Sudan Awaits ICC Ruling

4 Mar

I wonder…why did John Garang have to die? 😦


Sudan’s Restrooms: Germs Galore!

20 Feb



How would you feel if you had guests come over and your bathroom looked like that?

The sanitary violations at the Khartoum International Airport’s restrooms are so disgraceful that I hesitated a lot before sharing these pictures on my blog. It’s truly embarrassing to admit that my country’s airport looks like that. Thing is, I’m not talking about any public restroom; I’m talking about the Khartoum International Airport First Class Lounge restroom. I shit you not (pun intended.) How bad is that?  This is shameful. Or better yet, it’s outright un-Islamic! Isn’t ‘Al nathafa min al Eman wal Qathara min Al Shaytan?’ Then why oh why aren’t those valentine’s-despising clerics protesting for cleaner more sanitary restrooms. Isn’t it also un-Islamic to harm others? Dirty bathrooms are certainly unhealthy.

Nice roads and tall buildings are not indicators of civilization. With a little bit of speculation and empirical evidence, you can reach to a convincing analysis of any country’s economical status quo. Civilization on the other hand, is manifested in social norms, customs, and public restrooms. Seriously, maintaining clean restrooms is a requisite for a civilized society!

If we don’t improve our restrooms, service, and general cleanliness and manners, then none of those nice buildings matter. You can’t build fancy facades on a shoddy and fake foundation! Didn’t you hear what happened to the luxury hotels that were built on an artificial island? Okay, that’s admittedly a weak comparison, but you get the point!

I love Sudan, but I think it needs a whole lot of tough love…and extra strength Clorox.

Racism in Egyptian Movies

15 Nov

Have you ever put someone on a pedestal and always thought so highly of them only to discover a heinous truth about them that renders you speechless? Well, what I am going to talk about today is sort of like that, but not really, because I’m not speechless. It is about Adel Emam and other actors, actresses, writers, and producers in the Egyptian film making industry who participate in unacceptable mockery of dark skinned people.

Growing up, Adel Emam to me was the funniest man alive. I am not much of a movie person, but if there is a Adel Emam movie, I will be the first to watch it. I am also not one to laugh out loud while watching TV (Southpark,Friends, and 30 Rock are exceptions to this rule), but his humor was impeccable and I loved most of his movies. I even made sure to get front row tickets to his play (masrahiya) “The Body Guard” when I visited to Egypt. It’s been a while since I’ve watched any of his movies, and there was one movie that I did not get to watch: Al Tajruba Al Denemarkiya (The Danish Experiment) so when I found it online the other day, I was excited. However, this time, I wasn’t laughing (okay maybe a little.) The particular scene that vexed me is where a blond lady arrives in Egypt and men start following her in droves (because you know, blond girls are the rarest, most prized species.) The men follow the lady all the way to Adel Emam’s home in the movie, so Adel’s character starts kicking them out. There were Egyptian men, Khaleeji men, and one really dark. Stereotyping you say? Wait till you hear what happens next. The dark man did not want to budge, as he was so stricken by the Danish Blonde’s beauty (because you know, you don’t get beauty like that with dark women.) Then the man offers 50 cows in exchange for the woman. Watch said scene here.

That is just one incident, but this treatment of dark people is not uncommon. Another movie I (unfortunately) watched recently was “Ali Spicy,” which is the Egyptian equivalent of Mariah Carey’s mess of a movie “Glitter.” In one scene, one of the characters is busted by his friend with a woman. The woman is black, and the main character (acted by Hakim) keeps making fun of the woman and says things like “Allah yesawed lailtik zay ma sawad wishik” (God darken your nights like he darkened your face.” Granted, the woman is a prostitute, but he does not treat her badly on that account, but because of the color of her skin. He makes several racist jokes and then yells and screams at his friend and says “dool mesh neswan, dol 7ayawanat.” (those are not women, they are animals.)

Adding insult to injury, there’s this song by Mohamed Henedy. In it he is dressed as a Sudanese man and sings to dark women saying: “esmaret, we etharaget bas batata” Now this is going to really be lost in translation but it literally means “she got darker, and tanner, and burnt like a potato.”

There are many more instances of racist treatment of darker people in Egyptian movies. Especially when it comes to dark women; they are often portrayed as inferior, and their beauty is shown as well below par in comparison to their “white” counterparts. Treating dark men as imbeciles and portraying dark women as inferior in terms of beauty is not acceptable comedy.While I really do hate the whole PC movement, I think pushing for more political correctness is a must in the Egyptian media.